*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.