*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.