*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN