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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”