– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I think about this a lot
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
For the ones in the back.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.