ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Bro what is this
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..