*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Tastes like chicken.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable