Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Word!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.