Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
You Might Also Like
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.