@charliecapen Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
@danjan13 Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You Might Also Like
@charliecapen 
@greek_heanen ”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
@LurkAtHomeMom *checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
@njlitigator Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
@CruelMeiga I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
@causticbob If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@fro_vo *gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
@samalmightysam Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
@WilliamAder Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
@BruceForce Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.