Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You Might Also Like
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
😂😂
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)