@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

You Might Also Like

@charliecapen

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

@greek_heanen

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

@LurkAtHomeMom

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@samalmightysam

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

@WilliamAder

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.