Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.


”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer


*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.


*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”


Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.


Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.


Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.