Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.