Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat