[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
These aliens are taking forever.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos