[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it