“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now