Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?