Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
dream blunt rotation
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Nice try Hitler
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.