Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
relationship goals
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
had to share :’)
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”