Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.