I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!