Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.


Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.


Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade


I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.


It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.


This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!