@subtweetopath

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

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@trevso_electric

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

@smiles_and_nods

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

@dubstep4dads

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@SortaBad

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!