Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.