Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Sign at work today
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’