Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys