@Mike_Wrong Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
@Smethanie Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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@Mike_Wrong 
@ddsmidt …sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
@WarrenHolstein Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
@praisecheese This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
@KLBChicken Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
@dami_lee Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
@TheBoydP The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
@LocalButtLiker God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
@ilovepie84 Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
@paprbckparadise If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home