Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
This fall on Fox:
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home