Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”