@NotTodayEric

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

@MarfSalvador

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

@IntergalacticQ

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

@JessicaFancy

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

@DrAmp27

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.