A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.