Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Would you wear it?
So the ex texted me
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Actually cracking up @ this
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.