Adultry does not sound fun at all
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home