advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Kids, do not try this at home!