Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
You Might Also Like
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring