Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one