Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home