advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Basically.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.