aesthetic
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.