Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs