Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
You Might Also Like
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My horoscope said I should kiss you today