“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….