[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.