After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.