After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

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John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough


I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”


Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too


Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.


My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules


Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?


Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.


How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.


Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…