Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar
Me too kid, me too
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂