@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

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@SortaBad

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

@JamesBlunt

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

@SvnSxty

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@DairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…