After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.


Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.


ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important


20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed


When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.


Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.


Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars


“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses


Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?