After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”


[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?


Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”


I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…


Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?


doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink


And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”