@RickAaron

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

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@chopper4jk

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@Stellacopter

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@FetishBitch

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??