After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
buys donuts instead
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again