After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“What movie?” 🤔
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday