[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
NASA has no chill
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.