After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
waiting for halloween be like:
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.