After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Not all heroes wear capes.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?