After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.