“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)