@noog

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

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@CopBroughtPizza

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@BizarreLazar

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

@MelKassel

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

@Tharin_P

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

@Ms_Laser

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

@LostFelicia

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.