After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My beach vacation Google searches
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”