@dilemmalord this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
@noog After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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@dilemmalord 
@CopBroughtPizza pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
@AHMalcolm Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
@BizarreLazar Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
@WORIDSTARHIPHOP I love twitter
@MelKassel LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
@Tharin_P There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
@jvbt82hhs I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
@Ms_Laser If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
@LostFelicia My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.