After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..


Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.


“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.


judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands


One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves


Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly


[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”


People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.


If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.


The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.