*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Found the job I’m suited for
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT