After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.