After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
You Might Also Like
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.