After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.