After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The Book. The Movie.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Wise advice
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “