after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You Might Also Like
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car