[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold